Knee Cap, Meet Pipe

I've always liked editorial cartoons, so I gave one a shot.

Whadaya think? Not bad, huh?

Now, I realize I'm no Russell Hodin, and that I can barely draw a smiley face, but I do know how to steal things off Google Images and then modify them in PhotoShop, and I also know an exact parallel when I see one, and I see one with Tonya Harding and the unrelenting Los Osos citizens' group, Taxpayers' Watch.

Call it a guilty pleasure, but I love the Tonya Harding story: What does a competitor do when he, or, in this case, she, finally realizes that they will never win because the competition is just better? No matter how hard they practice, no matter how much they work on their game, no matter how much money they spend on equipment, they aren't going to win because the competition is simply better. What does a competitor do at that moment?

Most athletes faced with that inevitable predicament, retire. But not Tonya. She had a different plan. She thought "out of the box."

Taxpayers' Watch is now in Tonya's old predicament, and, unfortunately for the knee caps of Los Ososans, they're showing no signs of retiring.

For over two years now, spanning three consecutive elections where Taxpayers' Watch (aka the Solution Group, aka initial CSD Board, aka Save the Dream, aka Recalled Three) wracked up an unimpressive 0 - 8 - 1 record, they've strategized, advertised, and, publicized and they can't win. They've spent lots and lots of money on lots and lots of campaign stuff, and they can't win. They've done everything possible it takes to achieve a legitimate win in the political game, and they can't win. And, as Tonya will tell ya, when your game has slipped to those depths, and you still want to win, then there's only one thing left to do: knee cap, meet pipe.

The one small variance I see in my otherwise perfect Tonya Harding/Taxpayers' Watch comparison, is that Tonya only hired one goon -- my man, Shane Stant -- to do her dirty work, and he just cracked Kerrigan once on the knee... just before he ran to the doors that he had scoped-out as part of his pre-planned escape route, only to find that those doors had been chained shut. He then, in perfect Shane Stant/Tonya Harding fashion, jumped through the doors for his escape. (Sorry I had to bring that up, but that's my favorite part of the entire Tonya Harding story.)

Taxpayers' Watch has brought many Shane Stants on board to do their dirty work -- the local Water Quality Control Board, The Tribune, the LAFCO process, the civil court process, and now, a few in Los Osos that were... uhhhh... how should I put this?... unsavvy enough to pre-pay their entire assessment up front four years ago only to see it waste away in a prolonged blur of "bait and switchy" policies; folks that are now saying it's the current board's fault that their assessment wasted away and now want their money back -- and, unlike Stant who only took one whack at Kerrigan (and who seems downright humane compared to Taxpayers' Watch), they just keep whacking away at the knee caps of the community, over and over and over again. On the caps, on the sides, on the tender back part, ligaments, tendons, cartilage, whacked on, and on, and on... with no end in sight. Despite the fact that the majority of Los Osos voters have not only removed the chains from the escape doors, but threw them wide-open long ago, and have been standing next to them, pointing to the brightly lit exit for over two years now.

If memory serves, Harding eventually made her way back into the Olympics, where she finished 8th, six spots behind Kerrigan.

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Fourth Time's a Charm? The Stupidest Election Ever

"The (Tri-W) wastewater project is truly a community-based project."
-- Roger Briggs, Executive Officer, Central Coast Regional Water Quality Control Board, June 24, 2004

Contrary to what Mr. Briggs would have you believe, it's now clear. The community hates the Tri-W wastewater project. Hates it.

For three consecutive elections, since Directors Schicker and Tacker were elected in 2004, the project that Briggs calls "truly community-based" has been rejected by that community -- over and over and over again. During the latest campaign, according to reports, not one CSD Board candidate would even publicly support the location.

The reason the community hates Tri-W, appears to be the same reason none of the candidates would endorse it -- it's highly embarrassing!

Since the daylighting (by some smart-ass reporter) of the dramatic impact of "better, cheaper, faster" on the project, the dramatic impact of "bait and switchy" on the project, the dramatic impact of a little-known document (the SOC) that overrode the entire environmental review process for no reason at all, the dramatic impact of a made-up, nonsensical "strongly held community value," and the dramatic implications of a public opinion survey that shows 71-percent of Los Osos property owners would not support a sewer if it cost over $120 a month, it's no longer a secret that the rationale behind the Tri-W siting was, and is, a colossal embarrassment for not only Los Osos, but all the regulatory agencies involved, including Briggs'.

Yet, apparently, the county hasn't received the memo.

Surprisingly, county planners have recently told me that they will be placing the Tri-W project on the advisory election due to be scheduled for early next year to decide which wastewater project Los Osos really, really, really wants to pursue.

"We are not taking it (Tri-W) off the table," said Paavo Ogren, of the Public Works Department, in a recent e-mail to SewerWatch. He added, "Although many in the community obviously oppose the site, many others still support it."

"We in County Public Works will not recommend its elimination as a project alternative until such point in time that the final project decision is made by the Board of Supervisors and we are provided with a formal notice to carry-out that selection, whatever it might be."

Let me make what he is saying there clear: After three consecutive elections where the majority of Los Osos voters have shown they want the project moved, the county is still, inexplicably, under the impression that Los Osos voters might, somehow, out of the blue, prefer the downtown sewer plant location in a fourth election.

That's flat-out ridiculous. (And it makes no sense at all, which means, unfortunately, that the people that most Los Ososans really wish would take their thumbs off the scale, have their thumbs firmly on the scale. Democracy be damned.)

But, personally, I couldn't be happier, because the fact that Tri-W is going to end up on that advisory ballot, means two things: 1) Sweet, sweet validation for SewerWatch as that unpopular project gets whacked all over the place during the campaign, and 2) Stupidest Election Ever. And that's going to be great to watch.

Los Osos, if you don't think things could get any more embarrassing for your beautiful town, wait until that election rolls around next Spring.

Because a ballot that should look something like this:

___ Check here if you want this [downwind, out of town, out of sight] location.

___ Check here if you want this [downwind, out of town, out of sight] location.

Is going to look something like this:

___ Check here if you want this [downwind, out of town, out of sight] location.

___ Check here if you want this [downwind, out of town, out of sight] location.

___ Check here if you want this [three blocks upwind of downtown, highly visible] location that also has to include, along with a sewer plant, a bunch of expensive and embarrassing things like a children's play field, and picnic area, and has some serious hurdles in front of it, and is also a location that we already know your town doesn't want, according to the last three elections... dating back almost three years, now.

Stupidest election ever. What an embarrassing waste.

[How's this for a novel idea, Los Osos? Let wastewater engineers select the location for your wastewater plant, not voters that know little about things like percolation rates or liquefaction, and especially not Parks Commissioners -- especially not Parks Commissioners. I think we're ALL in agreement there, Parks Commissioners should not be selecting sewer plant locations.

"One of the fundamental objectives for the project is to provide useable open space accessible to the community."
-- LOCSD, Response to California Coastal Commission, 6/28/04]

And when voters finally discover that Tri-W can't be built unless it also includes, along with a giant sewer plant, other weird, expensive, embarrassing things like an amphitheater, children's play field, and picnic area (that's right, a f-ing picnic area in your sewer plant... can't do Tri-W sewer plant without the picnic area. God forbid, Los Osos builds a sewer plant that doesn't included a picnic area) will it receive any votes other than from former Solution Group members?

And when voters also discover that, if chosen, Tri-W will immediately face three gigantic hurdles, will it receive any votes at all (well, again, other than some former Solution Group members)?

The hurdles?

First, it will never get the State's low-interest SRF loan back the way it was before the recall election in 2005, and that's very important.

The reason the Tri-W project will never get SRF funding back the way it was is because I, and thousands like me, in and out of Los Osos, will make sure that this time State taxpayers are not stuck funding a multi-million dollar park-in-a-sewer-plant for Los Osos, and that means there won't be any funds around to pay for the park, which means there will be no park, which means, of course, there can't be a Tri-W sewer plant, according to the project's development permit. (Confusing, I know, but nails accurate.)

Second, on the long-shot chance that Tri-W is selected by voters (on the fourth attempt), and it won't be, obviously, AND on the long-shot chance that the State of California agrees to use public funds -- funds that are supposed to be used only for water quality purposes -- to loan to the county to pay for a multi-million dollar park-in-a-sewer-plant for Los Osos, then it will immediately run into another massive problem: Why should the entire community benefit from a park that only a portion of the community is paying for? (And, of course, every time I bring up that excellent point, I also have to add this excellent point: That is, if you consider a picnic area in a sewer plant a "benefit.")

A local judge has recently ruled, understandably, that arrangement is unfair.

Third, the Statement of Overriding Considerations -- the only document that allowed the initial CSD Board to override the entire environmental review process so they could build at Tri-W in the first place, is no longer valid. It was recently rescinded by the current LOCSD Board. In short, according to State environmental laws, no SOC, no Tri-W, and there's no SOC.

The county, it seems, will have to draft their own version of that important document IF they decide to pursue Tri-W. Which leads to a very interesting question: Will the county also override the environmental review process -- a process that pointed to downwind, out of town sites -- in order to put a picnic area in their sewer plant?

To date, no one has addressed how Los Osos will get around those three massive hurdles IF, on the extreme long shot, Los Osos voters select the downtown location, which they won't. And there's a very good reason why no one has addressed that, because there are no answers to those hurdles.

This upcoming election season (I know, I know... yes, more yard signs.. for really no reason at all, this time), when the minority, yet vocal, Tri-W supporters realize their little "strategy" to get their project back in the hands of the county has come around to bite them in the ass, and find themselves scrambling to spin the park-in-a-sewer-plant as a good thing -- as they are sure to do-- Los Osos voters need to remember to always ask two questions:

1) "How are we going to fund that ridiculous park?"

and;

2) "Why is there a multi-million dollar park in the Tri-W sewer plant to begin with?"

And when the Solution Groupers (1998)/Initial CSDers (1999-2005)/Save the Dreamers (2005)/Taxpayer Watchers (2005 - 2006) answer that second question by saying, "Because the Coastal Commission demanded it," as they have lied about in the past and are sure to lie about again (remember that whole embarrassing thing?), be sure to ask them, "Then why did Coastal Commission staffer, Steve Monowitz, tell SewerWatch, 'It galls me when they say we added the amenities?' "

I, for one, can't wait. You see, unlike almost everyone in Los Osos that is completely worn out on elections and campaigns (especially now, when the majority of those Los Ososans can definitively say, "How many times do we have to vote on this?!! WE DO NOT WANT A SEWER PLANT DOWNTOWN! That's why we keep electing people that are committed to moving it!"), I'm really looking forward to that election. The campaigns will be great, especially the one for Tri-W... can't wait to see what slogans they'll come up with this time.

"Better, cheaper, faster, II" perhaps?

Talk about an uphill battle...

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